Om.

A lot of people already know this, but in case you don’t…I don’t like public speaking.  Not a big surprise since many people consider public speaking scarier than death, but it’s probably somewhat surprising considering that I do it, and I think I usually do a decent job of it.  The award I just won was for a presentation so I must have done a good job that day.

A lot of things got put off in the months leading up to Norah’s surgery.  A LOT.  I’ve been struggling to catch up, and I’m just chugging through the list the best I can.  Last week I got a couple of routine annual doctors’ appointments out of the way, and finally made an appointment to talk to someone about my public speaking anxiety.  I had surfed around looking at different coaches and approaches, and I finally settled on a 1-day workshop with Carla Kimball at Riverways, which was being held last Friday.  Phew!  Check.

A couple of days after I scheduled the workshop, I got an email saying that there weren’t enough people signed up and would I mind attending the November workshop instead.  AAHHHH!  I have a presentation for a group of building inspectors on the 9th!  It’s an emergency!!!  OK…maybe not an emergency, but I was all psyched up to go and it was disappointing to have to put it off.  So I asked Carla if we could do a private session instead and she agreed.

In hindsight, it was a long drive to Lebanon NH for a 2 1/2-hour session, but it was worth it.  I had read a lot about Carla and her work, and I really felt like she was a good match for me and my issues.  So we met in her office, I told her about my “symptoms,” and she spent a lot of time explaining how the brain works, and how to distract myself when my mind tries to convince me that I’m going to pass out or pee my pants in front of a bunch of fire marshals.  I like scientific evidence and Carla’s explanation really made sense. 

Then she asked the $64,000 question – what do I do to relax.  Uh…I don’t relax.  Ever.  I know it’s a problem, but I thought the problem was that my quality of life is being affected – not that it’s part of my anxiety/stress issue.  Huh.  She recommended a weekly yoga class so I’ve added finding a class to the to-do list.  Then she told me that I need to meditate for 15 minutes per day – 3 times at 5 minutes each.  Really?  Me?  Criss-cross-applesauce on a cushion??  I told Carla that if I closed my eyes to meditate I’d fall asleep, and I really believed that.

But then I started thinking about it.  I was able to use 3 different types of relaxation / self-hypnosis to have natural childbirth 3 times.  Somehow I was able to work up enough belief in those techniques to not freak out during labor.  Maybe controlling my mind WOULD help with public speaking.  Carla taught me how to meditate, and described some scientific studies about the effects of meditation on the brain.  I bought it, and I told her that I would try to meditate daily.  We scheduled a phone follow-up for one week later.

I can’t tell you that meditation has made me a new person (yet), but I have done some reading and there are plenty of people who agree with Carla on this.  I will tell you…it’s not easy for me to find time to meditate in the morning, and again during the day.  The night-time one is easy because she said I could continue my bedtime relaxation technique and count it as my third meditation.  I haven’t fallen asleep during my daytime meditations yet, and it has become startlingly clear that my mind NEVER stops.  Because I’m so busy, I’ve removed all of the “mindless” activities from my life.  I don’t watch TV without also sending emails, paying bills, or at least doing housework at the same time.  I don’t listen to music in the car, because I need the quiet time to think about the next meeting, conference call, or task I’ve got coming up.  And I’m obviously not laying out in the back yard looking at the clouds or the stars.  This is NOT GOOD!  I think my brain may be almost worn out! 

So, I need a yoga class.  Not one of those hard-core sweaty yoga classes…a class that won’t mind a creaky beginner who may have to be woken up when it’s time to go home.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?