“More Time”

My father died on April 16th – just a couple of weeks ago. He was diagnosed with cancer in February, and he did not think the disease would take him so quickly. The last time I talked to him, when he was in the VA hospital with a broken hip (because of the cancer in his bones), one of his most emotional moments was when he expressed his desperation for “more time.”

I didn’t want to upset him further so I didn’t ask, but I wondered what he would do with the time if he got his wish. It made me think a lot about the instinctive and insatiable desire of most humans for more time. How much time is enough? 70, 80, 90 years? My grandmother, who I adored, was just short of 96 when she died. She lived in her own home and seemed content, but I think the time came when the aches and pains and “senior moments” made her say, “Enough already!” She passed on some of her possessions that she knew we would treasure. Her affairs were in order. She wasn’t wishing for more time as her clock wound down.

My father was 68 when he died, so maybe sometime between 70 and 90 or more likely 80 and 90 is when most people reach the point where they feel like they’ve had enough time. Or maybe it’s never enough. The priest who spoke at my father’s wake and funeral advised both times that we consider whether we would be ready when our time came. I’m obviously not ready now…I have 3 kids to finish raising and lots of good work to do. And even when my family is all grown up I’ll have responsibilities to take care of and things to look forward to – maybe travel or a good book or a nice bottle of wine or even grandkids.

I hope I never reach the point where I don’t want more time, when there’s nothing left to enjoy or the bad outweighs the good. But when my time does come I hope to be able to look back at my life with few regrets…to know that I did everything I wanted to do, that I was present (physically, mentally, AND emotionally) for the important moments, and that I squeezed all of the life out of my days. I don’t want to wish desperately for more time.

A few years ago I was talking to one of the kindergarten teachers at school, complaining that I was so busy and overscheduled that I couldn’t enjoy anything because I was always stressed about the other things that needed to be done or where I was supposed to be next. The teacher described it as “skimming the surface,” and we agreed that a lot of us are currently living in this mode – just flying through at top speed and dipping down to skim the surface and engage once in a while. I’m overwhelmed… with a job that I love but that never ends, with our crazy schedules, with the STUFF that surrounds us. It’s all too much.

My main motivation for our upcoming adventure in Mexico is the fear of regret. If we didn’t go because it was too difficult to get the house in order, or I wasn’t sure if we had enough money saved, or I didn’t get my rear in gear, I’d never forgive myself. When I look at the to-do list I wonder how it’s all going to get done considering the number of little things that are pushed from one week’s list to the next because there’s no time, but I am committed. My family needs this hiatus from the harried schedule we’ve been living with for the last 10 years. We need to stop and smell the jacarandas along the way.  🙂