Monthly Archives for May 2008

Gotta Pee

The short story below reminds me of an incident from high school. My two friends and I were tooling around town in my 1973 Volkswagon Super Beetle and we had to pee. We knew that if we went home our moms would make us call it a night, so we pulled into the parking lot of the local recreation area / lake to relieve ourselves. While my friends were in the full-squat position the police car that had stealthily followed us into the parking lot snapped on their lights. The reflection from the double-moons must have almosted blinded the poor officers. As we madly drove away I heard the cop yell, “HEY!!! GET BACK HERE AND PICK UP THIS TOILET PAPER!!!” I think they were actually napkins from the drive-thru…he obviously wasn’t a detective. To top it all off, my boyfriend asked me the next day if I was peeing at Lake Paron because his mother heard it on the scanner! That’s what living in a small town is all about. Lucky for our kids the scanners tuned to the Framingham Police force are filled with chatter about hold-ups at Burger King and Ty’s Pies.
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It’s too bad the P-Mate hadn’t been invented yet. It would have been helpful for us and for the ladies in the story.
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http://www.pmateusa.com/

Two lady friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten overenthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded home.

The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girls’ nights outs have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”

“You think that’s bad?” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’ “
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The Ants Go Marching One By One, Hurrah

Last weekend we had a wonderful time out at camp, until Sunday night when we noticed 20+ huge winged ants walking back and forth on the trim under the ridge. An exciting period of search and destroy ensued, followed by Bernie standing on a bar stool balanced on two chairs to take down the ceiling fan and remove the trim. Even after taking down a bunch of ceiling tiles we didn’t find much to worry about so we were foolishly hoping that the structure of our house hadn’t been eaten away and a roof cave-in was not imminent.

Bernie and Ben went out to camp tonight with the new ceiling material and took down the rest of the old ceiling. Although they didn’t find the dreaded structural damage, they did find hundreds of ants. Yuck.
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Jelly Bean – G-Rated Video, R-Rated Text

Update: Chuck (and anyone else who gets upset when I call men stupid in this post), don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m not a man-hater. There are plenty of men I like or even love. It’s a good thing you’re not a fly on the wall at Mommies’ Night Out. Your ego would never be the same. 😉

Some of you will take this the wrong way, but it has to be said. When God was handing out brains, Adam thought he said “stains” and said, “No thanks, I’ve got plenty on my sheets and underwear already.” I’ve chronicled the proof in my email series called “Men are Stupid”. Like the time when I was pregnant and I sent Ben to Target to buy Preparation H and he came home with Ben-Gay. Hey – They both come in a tube, right? I could probably have been less general in the title of my email series, but given the evidence from my gal-pals, Ben’s not the only one.

I know there are men who aren’t stupid, and most men aren’t stupid all the time. There are even some stupid women. I’ve done plenty of stupid things. I work with lots of men who are intelligent contributing members of society. But now that I have a son who I feel is old enough to know the difference between a fun experiment and a really stupid idea, I realize that men can’t help it. They started life as stupid boys. My brothers used to shoot arrows up in the air and try to run out of the way before they came down and impaled them. A couple of weeks ago Adlani was in the tub, and I noticed that his weewee looked a little funny. He had a few infections under his foreskin when he was a baby, so I moved in for a closer look. While I was holding his weewee and we were both looking at it, he started peeing – right in his own face! Just before that we went to one of Aliya’s soccer games and Adlani got his head caught in the net. Yes, just like a fish. No, I didn’t get a picture, but I have witnesses.

As further proof, I offer up the following video evidence:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2_s7f5tPOI&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0]

Here are a few entries from my email series (Note that these all took place when I was pregnant with Norah and may contain TMI for some of you.):

6/26/06
Here’s a funny one in the “proof that men are stupid” category.
On Saturday afternoon I asked Aliya why Adlani’s hair was all wet. She said, “Because he stuck his head in the toilet. I told Daddy about it and he put some water on it. He put sanitizer on it too.” So Adlani’s hair was all stiff and full of Purell. At least it’s probably germ-free. Maybe we’re the stupid ones…they were born this way but we chose to bind ourselves to them for life.

8/15/06
Ben kissed me last week and I was like, “uhh…what’s on your lip?” He said, “My pimple medicine.” I said, “I don’t think so…what’s the name of your pimple medicine?” Ben: “Orajel.” I knew that’s what it was since my lip started going numb. One of my friends got really mad at her husband and she put Orajel on his toothbrush so when he brushed his teeth his mouth went numb and he thought he was having a stroke. I’m saving that one for a big fight. I shouldn’t be surprised by Ben’s use of Orajel to fight pimples…he was using Shout the other day to clean the kiddie pool, and…one for the TMI category…he couldn’t find the “personal lubricant” and was looking for an alternative…he yells out from the bathroom, “What’s this Balmex stuff?” At least it might have helped with the diaper rash I’m bound to get from the pee-pee pads I have to wear 24 hours a day. Apparently his philosophy is that anything in a spray bottle is all-purpose cleaner, anything in a small tube is zit cream, and anything in a large tube is lubricant. One time I caught him just before he put Blue Emu (like Ben-Gay or Icy-Hot) on Adlani’s bum, so I guess anything in a tub is diaper cream.

8/31/06
Ben somewhat redeemed himself by making the 1/2 mile drive to Target to buy the treatment for my new friend Hemmy Rhoid but when he couldn’t find Tucks, he came home with Tums. At least Tucks and Tums both start with T-U and end with S. And they’re both in the health and beauty aids section. He could have come back with turnovers, or tulips, or tubas, turkeys, tutus, turnips, tunas, turtles, tumbleweeds, or even turds. Actually, several of those would be preferable over Tums. Maybe I should put a Tums between my butt-cheeks. I’ll be so busy trying to hold it there, I might forget that someone new has moved into the neighborhood.
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