After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.”

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless boob?”

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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Yesterday we were heading to a play date and I decided to swing by Whole Foods with all 3 kids. I should have learned a long time ago that there is no “swinging by” anywhere with 3 kids, and that no container of cut-up fruit was worth hauling all of them into the store. BUT…you know me. I think I’m invincible. So I load Norah into a carriage and the other two are walking because the carriages at Whole Foods (and Trader Joe’s by the way) are too small for Adlani to fit into the basket comfortably, plus I’ve been hearing about some kooks who get upset about the germ factor of putting kids into the basket and the last thing I need on a Sunday morning is flak from a fellow shopper. Just a word on the germophobia…have they ever considered what gets on the carts while they’re out in the parking lot? Acid rain, bird poop, caterpillar slime? Or the fact that the last person who pushed the carriage probably didn’t wash their hands after they *dropped the kids off at the pool*? Whatever.

So I make it into the store, select my cut-up fruit, and head for the register. That was just too easy, so Aliya knocks 6 packs of blueberries off the giant stack of blueberry packs, and I have to stop to pick them up, scoop up the loose berries and stuff them back in the packs…
Take THAT Germophobes!!… and pile them back up for the next kid who walks by. I make my way to one of the two open registers…Whole Foods isn’t that busy at 10 o’clock on a Sunday morning, right?…and somehow complete the transaction while holding Norah down as she tries to stand up in the carriage seat, thwarting Aliya’s attempts to buy several $3.99 individual truffles, and preventing Adlani from wandering out into the parking lot.

We get out through the air curtain and I have the brilliant idea to leave the carriage at the in-store carriage return because God forbid some carriage collector will see me leaving the carriage out in the parking lot. I exit the store carrying Norah, the cut-up fruit, my keys and wallet (maybe it’s time for me to break down and carry a pocketbook), while holding Adlani’s hand and keeping tabs on Aliya. On the way to the car I notice a guy just getting ready to drive off with his coffee on the roof of the car. I veer over toward him and start gesturing frantically with the cut-up fruit and the hand holding Adlani’s. Since that didn’t elicit any reaction other than possibly causing him to drive away faster because a crazy lady was waving her cut-up fruit and her 3-year-old at him, I used my only free appendage, my left foot (raised high and proud), to point at the coffee while balancing on my right foot, holding Norah, the cut-up fruit, my keys, my wallet, and Adlani’s hand. I simultaneously mouthed the words, “YOUR COFFEE’S ON THE ROOF!!!”

He finally got it and I veered back toward my own car and secured everyone before heading to the play date. As we drove away Aliya said, “At first when we were walking I didn’t know why you started walking the wrong way. And then I realized that you’re always looking for a crime to help because you’re SUPERMOMMY!” I usually use my pseudonym sarcastically…as in “Of course I can brush your hair even though I’m already brushing Adlani’s teeth, tying Norah’s shoes, and cooking breakfast…I’m SUPERMOMMY!” But I think it’s caught on because lately when Adlani can’t get my attention by repeating “Mommy?” multiple times, he says “Supermommy?” and it works every time.

Here I am in my Supermommy ensemble:
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And here’s my trusty sidekick Spiderdog:

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And my friend and fellow crime-fighter, Supermom (I can’t divulge her identity but her boobs really look like that.):

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Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Supermoms out there!!!
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For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
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–Sam Levenson
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