Hysteria…The Key to My Sanity

Motherhood is an ongoing learning experience, and one thing I’ve learned in the last year or so is that the only way I can survive is to see the hilarity in the moments that would otherwise make me lose it.  That’s why certain parenting tools are so successful for me, like the BMD (Behavior Modification Device, aka spray bottle), the Vodka Mist (aka Rescue Remedy), and the newest weapon in my arsenal…the fuzzy duster that I use to poke whichever bear is up on their bunk bed screeching and trying to stay out of my reach.  All of my favorite tools crack me up, and therefore, I don’t kill anyone.

Bedtime was a little trying tonight.  Adlani was mad at Aliya for calling him a crybaby, so he put her toothbrush in the drain hole of the sink.  If it was Helga’s drain hole it would have been fine, but my drain hole has all kinds of black slimy stuff in it.  So I pretended to put Adlani’s toothbrush in the drain hole and he freaked.  Then he kept insisting that he wanted to sleep with Ben (aka watch movies all night) since it’s not a school night.  When I said “no,” he started crying at top volume and wouldn’t stop.

Adlani: “I WANNNAAAA SLEEP WITH DAAAADDDDYYYYYY!!!!  WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”
Me:  “Well, I wanna sleep with Taye Diggs, but that ain’t happenin either.  So get into bed.”

He just kept going on and on and everyone else was trying to get to sleep, so I got out the fuzzy duster and started poking him in all the ticklish spots.  He got pissed and started doing karate kicks, which cracked me up because of the sound effects (hi-YAH!).  So I kept giggling and poking, and he kept crying, kicking, and making Miss Piggy noises.  The more I giggled and poked, the madder he got.  Then he told me that he likes Daddy better, I’m not allowed in his room any more, he’s not going to snuggle with me any more, etc., etc.  Then the big finish…”SO GET OUT OF HERE YOU HOPELESS FROOT LOOP!”

I lost it.  I was laughing SO HARD I think I peed a little.  That made him even madder so he yelled, “BEAT IT, YOU HOPELESS FLY!!!!!”  That did it.  I COULD NOT stop laughing, and it was the laugh that you can barely hear due to lack of oxygen…kinda like that cartoon dog except on uppers.  I dissolved into completely hysteria, and we all lived to see another day.
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