My Unexpected Life

When I was a little kid, I didn’t plan on growing up to be a door hardware consultant.  I didn’t know I’d have thousands of *fans* around the world.  I thought I was going to be a back-up singer for a country band, so I guess my fans would have been closer to home.  I didn’t know that I’d marry a Moroccan guy…my boyfriends were all down-home Vermonters.  I didn’t know that I’d move to the big city, especially since my mother’s fear of driving in cities (and over mountains) rubbed off on me.  I got over it.  I didn’t know that I’d have 3 kids, and I knew for sure that I wouldn’t have to yell the same thing 50 times before anyone did anything.  Yelling didn’t work for my mother, so I knew I would have my own inventive ways of getting things done.  I got over that too.  I didn’t know that I would give up on trying to keep my house neat and orderly, and let the yard go to hell.  As a single adult I was organized beyond belief, and always spending my free time making homemade gifts.  I didn’t expect that someday I’d be sending email gift cards for birthdays and holidays, because I lost the card I originally bought for the occasion and the gift STILL isn’t finished.  I guess I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.

Saturday morning, I didn’t expect to bite into a bagel and end up with half of a molar missing (it hasn’t turned up yet).  I spent the weekend chewing and talking funny to avoid repeatedly cutting my tongue on the leftover tooth, which left me with a sore jaw and an open wound on my tongue.  The dentist worked me into her schedule for a consultation today.  It was completely unexpected when she looked in my mouth and told her assistant to prep for a crown.  Right now???  Yep.  Wait!  I’m not mentally prepared!!  Today was my 7th crown (thanks to my pen-chewing habit that lasted through early adulthood), so at least I knew what to expect at the dentist.  For me, the worst part isn’t the Novocaine or the drilling…it’s the purple goo that they use to make the cast of my teeth, so the permanent crown fits.  I had to use my old hypnobirthing techniques to keep myself from throwing up in my mouth and drowning in my own vomit.  Here I am during that process:

I had 2 hours in the dentist’s chair to think about other unexpected events of recent weeks.  There was the woman who anonymously commented in the online version of the local newspaper than I’m a white elitist and that I only care about myself.  That was pretty unexpected…since this woman doesn’t know me at all, has never spoken to me, and I’m the farthest thing from a white elitist.  Maybe she had me confused with someone who doesn’t have a brown husband and kids in bilingual school.

Then there was the morning when we were having a thunderstorm, and Aliya was on the front porch spraying sunscreen on herself (why?  who the hell knows?).  Annie, our obese MINI Australian Shepherd, who closely resembles a small hairy piglet and freaks out during thunderstorms, seized the moment to run out the front door and go after a black lab that was walking by with his owner, who I would estimate to be around 70 years old (the owner, not the lab).  Annie started jumping on the lab, and his owner started screaming (GET AWAY FROM MY DOG!!!) and beating Annie with her umbrella.  Meanwhile, Aliya and Adlani were in the street screaming, while Norah screamed at the window.  Did I mention it was pouring rain and the dogs were kicking up mud all over the 70YO woman?  So I did what I had to do – I ran out into the street.  In my underwear.  I grabbed Annie’s collar, and said, “She doesn’t bite.  She won’t hurt you.”  The woman was really mad (“HER TEETH JUST MISSED MY LEG!!”), really muddy, and I was in my underwear, so it was a very short conversation.  To top it off, the woman is a town meeting member in my precinct and I knew she’d eventually figure out that Underwear-Woman was me.  I sent her an email apologizing and she accepted, even though she maintained that my 30-pound obese hairy piglet is a vicious wanna-be killer.  Sorry, no photo of me in the street in my underwear.

There have been lots of other unexpected events lately, but the one that really sticks out in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  It has taken me this long to get over it.  Ben was at soccer practice with Aliya and I was at the park teaching Adlani how to ride a bike while Norah tried not to get run over.  Ben showed up at the park with Aliya and one of her team-mates, and we decided to go out to dinner.  We had two cars, and when I arrived at the restaurant parking lot, I saw both girls peering into Ben’s ear.  When I looked in, I saw something brown and hairy, and really disgusting.  While attempting to remove it with tweezers, it kept migrating back into his ear.  I feared the worst – something alive.  I could almost gag just thinking about it now.  Maybe I’m not ready to recount the story yet…I need more time to  heal.  KIDDING!  I finally got a good grip on it, said a little prayer that no ENT specialists would drive by and see me in a parking lot with super-pointy tweezers in my husband’s ear, with an audience looking on.  I’m sure Aliya’s poor team-mate was wishing she’d caught a ride home with one of the normal dads.  So anyway, I finally pulled the thing out, and it was a GIANT, dark brown, hairy piece of ear wax.  If you’re brave, click here because yes of course I took a picture.  This one’s for you, Larry!

Here’s one more unexpected turn of events.  Thanks to a knitting/crocheting class with Nurse Mary and the organizers of the spring fundraiser at school, I have reawakened my crafty side.  I haven’t crocheted since I was pregnant for Norah…I was working on a blanket for her when we went to Morocco, and I ended up giving it to someone there who had just had a baby.  I never got around to making another one for Norah.  Well, our class got me hooked on crocheting again, and I used up the first skein of yarn the first weekend.  I went back for another skein, and bought 2 more skeins to use for another project.  When I got it home, the kids insisted that I use the new yarn to make a baby blanket for Adlani’s first-grade teacher who is home on bedrest.  Seven skeins and 2 more trips to the yarn store later, the blanket is done and ready to bring in on the last day of school.  The woman who never sits down except in front of a computer has watched the entire Season 4 of Private Practice while crocheting a blanket big enough for the kid to take to kindergarten in his nap bag.  I don’t know how it got so big…maybe I was concentrating a little too much on Taye Diggs.

Here’s a photo of the first meeting of our stitch-n-bitch club at Iron Horse Fiber Art in Natick.  It’s a beautiful store and all of the ladies who work there (especially the owner, Debbie) are so nice.  Just a heads-up to all family members…you will be receiving a crocheted gift for Christmas this year.  Don’t get your hopes up for anything fancy…at the moment I only do rectangles.  I hope you enjoy yours.