Category Archives for Me

School Shoes

Some days things just don’t go according to plan and you have to be able to roll with the punches.  Today was one of those days.  I had the day all planned out but in the end we didn’t do half the things we were supposed to do.  One thing I DID manage to accomplish was the manicure and pedicure that the Tooth Fairy has owed Aliya since she had 6 teeth pulled out.  I promised her that she’d have lovely hands and feet for the first day of school and gall dang it – I was determined to deliver.

The problem arose when Aliya realized that she would have to change the shoes she had planned to wear with her first-day outfit, so her pedicure would show.  The shoe-change required 1) a change from pants to a skirt, and 2) shoes which showed her toes but were not flip-flops since those aren’t allowed in school.

I have asked Aliya at least 5 times if she needs any back-to-school clothes, shoes, or supplies.  After the mani/pedi, when the bus was due to arrive in 15 hours and 33 minutes, she tells me that she needs sandals.  Where the hell was I supposed to find kid-sized non-flip-flop sandals on the day before school starts?!?!

Before I continue, I’d like to draw your attention to the photo of me on the right, and particularly to my shoes.  In this photo I was 10 years old, and this was a big day – my little brother’s christening.  I know for sure that was a new dress, and I’m guessing I was wearing new shoes.  Look how fancy they are – they added at least an inch to my height.  I was STYLIN! I had a purse, a bracelet, and had obviously spent HOURS working on my Kristy McNichol hair-do (ok…I didn’t actually achieve it, but I tried).  And those were the shoes I chose to accompany this *look*.

In contrast, THESE are the shoes Aliya chose for her first day of third grade.  I seriously think she would have tried harder to convince me if they were available in her size.  I can just imagine the look on Ben’s face, not to mention Nurse Mary’s.  I guarantee this would lead to a new school policy – “no flip-flops OR STILLETTOS!“

On the bright side, Aliya somehow went from a youth size 2 to a women’s size 5 over the summer.  We found her a pair of questionable flip-flop/sandals for $7 at Marshalls, along with various clearance-rack shoes to fit every outfit and weather condition at DSW.  It really does expand the options…maybe a little too far.

Here’s the end result.  All is right in Aliya’s world.

The Person I Need Is Nanny McPhee

I just took Norah to see Nanny McPhee Returns, because she missed going with friends the other day when the allergic reaction appeared.  I really think Nanny McPhee III should come help ME out in her next movie.  I actually got a little misty when the mom in the movie, who coincidentally was named Mrs. Green, was standing on the couch screaming “GET OFF THE FURNITURE!!!!!!!!” and again when she was running after Nanny McPhee like a desperate bride-to-be running into the Filene’s Basement bridal gown sale.  If a character in a movie almost weeps in gratitude at the thought of having a few minutes to herself, I can’t be the only real-life mom feeling that way.

Honestly, I don’t think my desires are outrageous, but they’re so far from becoming a reality that I might as well wish for world peace and a personal video message from the Old Spice Man:

  • I want to ride in the car without anyone touching anyone, almost touching anyone, whining, fighting, or committing any offense that requires me to use the B.M.D.
  • I want to sit in the dining room without a giant stack of paper threatening to topple over on my plate.
  • I want to get through one meal without having to tell anyone to sit down, get back in their seat, eat their food, or stop putting chewed-up food on someone else’s plate.
  • I want people to see clean laundry, dirty dishes, or personal items piled on the stairs and realize that they should pitch in and do something about it.
  • I want to get a full day’s work done without working until 2 a.m.
  • I want everyone to be in bed, ASLEEP, by 8:30 p.m. (except me).
  • I want to have time for a hobby.
  • I want to sit down with a glass of wine and bask in the scent of Lavender Fabuloso, with all of the house clean at the same time.
  • I want to cross something off of my to-do list and not have it be immediately replaced with 5 other things.
  • I want to sleep alone for 6 straight hours.
  • I want to shower alone without hearing any loud crashes or being asked to mediate through the door.
  • I want to poop alone without having to go to a nearby retail establishment solely for that purpose.
  • I want my house to look like this a little less often:

Torture Chamber

I found out last week that I won an Award of Merit from our industry organization – yes – The Door & Hardware Institute – for a building code presentation I did a while back.  I thought it was pretty cool until I realized that I would have to supply a photo of myself for the convention program, signage, and wherever else they want to plaster my face.

My two most recent head shots were 1) a selfie after a couple of Blood Orange Cosmos, or 2) taken by Ben in our front yard when I only blow-dried the front of my hair since the rest wouldn’t show anyway.  That created a problem because I hate having my picture taken, especially when a whole bunch of people will see it.

Since I really like the woman who asked for the photo, I made an appointment at Portrait Simple and bravely faced the lens.  I’m shocked to say that a few of the pictures came out ok.  As I was comparing them on the computer to decide which one to send in, Ben zoomed in on my eyes and then sincerely asked, “Isn’t there cream for that?”  Nice.

“Don’t MAKE me get off this HAMMOCK!!!”

It’s only 15 days, 8 hours, 47 minutes until the bus arrives for the first day of school, and not a moment too soon.  I have now taken to arming myself.  Aliya took this picture at camp this weekend.  No, I didn’t take a shower that day.  Yes, I’m so lazy that when I got chilly I just put my fleece on backward instead of sitting up and putting it on the right way.  And the old mop handle?  That’s to keep the kids away from the hammock.  Seriously, before I armed myself they were trying to sit on the hammock, swing me, and just generally drive me nuts.  The book was Secrets She Left Behind, by Diane Chamberlain, and I’m done with it so if anyone wants it, it’s yours.

I have some other books up for grabs too:

Look Again, by Lisa Scottoline
House Rules , by Jodi Picoult
Not My Daughter , by Barbara Delinsky
Somebody Else’s Daughter , by Elizabeth Brundage
The Last Bridge , by Teri Coyne
My Lobotomy , by Howard Dully
The Piano Teacher , by Janice Y.K. Lee
Dark Places , by Gillian Flynn

And no, I didn’t actually hit anyone.  The fact that I posted this photo and nothing else from the weekend (yet) probably makes it seem like all I did is lay around reading while threatening anyone who approached with a stick, but I assure you, this was my only hammock-time.  Photos of family fun time to follow.

I’m Alive and (Un)Well

For anyone who’s wondering if I’m dead because I’ve been incommunicado, I’m not dead.  I’m just in a dark place.  Or maybe I AM dead and this is hell.  I’m ready for summer vacation to end and there’s still 6 weeks to go.  Somehow, even with day camp and our team of caregivers – the nanny, the mother’s helper, and random relatives who fill in as needed, I’m struggling.  The fact that nobody is listening to me is even more evident when they’re not listening to me for a greater number of hours per day.  I just don’t get it because outside of my house, people listen to me.  They usually even do what I say.  But as soon as I step through the door of my home, I may as well be mute.

And the house…oh, the house makes me want to rob Ty’s Pies at gunpoint so I have to go to jail, where I would do something inappropriate so I could be put into solitary confinement.  If I didn’t already have a full-time job, I could make a full-time job out of picking up after the kids.  Just for fun, I kept track of what I picked up OFF THE FLOOR ONLY, for a 6-hour period.  Two of the kids were out of the house for more than 3 of the 6 hours, and the list below does not include anything that I picked up off of furniture, etc., ONLY THE FLOOR. The list doesn’t include a large-scale bedroom clean-up, or cleaning food off the approved eating area floors either.

Clothing:  22
Toys:  12
Legos & Lincoln Logs:  19
Spills:  2
Books:  24
Games:  5
Writing Implements:  4
Wrappers, Papers, Trash:  26
Bedding:  4
Food:  8
Shoes:  7
iPod:  1
Fuse Beads:  49
Other:  12

WHY???????? What am I doing wrong here?  And don’t tell me to make them pick it up because I DO make them clean up after themselves.  I’m constantly demanding that they appear front-and-center to pick up something that doesn’t belong where it is.  But I’m worn out, and sometimes I don’t even have the energy to tell them to pick up their crap.

And then there’s the constant noise.  The fighting, the whining, the screeching…it makes me want to stab a chopstick into each ear and put myself out of my misery.  I literally wear earplugs on car trips and I’m thinking about just going 24/7 with them.  How can it be that my Facebook friends are writing about their blissful summer days and I’m trying to get arrested?

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So, I was feeling like this post was too negative, nobody wants to listen to me rant about my kids, etc., so I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee which I was hoping would put me in a better mood.  Then…I smelled poop.  Yep…a big pile of dog-diarrhea.  Thank God I didn’t step in it or I swear I might have gone Ya-Ya and headed down to the Motel 6 for a few days.

Why did the dog poop on the rug?  I’ll tell you why – because someone gave her PEOPLE-FOOD!  I guarantee it!  I’ve told all of them at least 900 times not to give the pets people-food, yet they continue to do it!  Why am I the one cleaning up the poop?!?!

Whatever mood-lifter I might have used to end this post on a bright note just went down the toilet with dog-diarrhea, so I apologize.  If you’re like the rest of the people I’m surrounded with, you won’t have heard a word I just said anyway.