Bribery Makes The World Go Around

I’m not afraid to admit it. I use bribery as one of my core parenting techniques. Don’t get me wrong…there are things that they are responsible for, and there’s no cash payout for doing them. I don’t bribe them to brush their teeth or go to bed. BUT…there are times when a buck can really ease the pain.
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The problem now is…they’re getting a little greedy. Last week we were getting ready to head out in the morning and I announced, “Whoever finds my bra gets a quarter!” Woohoo! 25 whole cents! Aliya gave me “the look” and said, “I’m NOT finding your bra for a quarter.” Me: “How much?” Aliya: “A dollar.” Me: “Not likely. Adlani – do you want a quarter?” And off he ran. 25 cents is a small price to pay to protect the other parents and teachers in the drop off line from seeing me braless.
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My bribery technique has backfired a few times though. One day I had all 3 kids in my office…I have no idea why since not only did I get no work done, everyone else got no work done. It’s hard to walk an architect through the components and operation of a delayed egress system when the child in the desk chair is vomiting as he is spun at warp speed by the other 2. Anyway, as we prepared to leave my coworkers in peace, I said, “Let’s see who can find my keys.” Adlani said, “What do we get?” in hopes that the reward would be one of the yummy snacks we have stocked in the office kitchen. I said, “You don’t have to have your daily beating today.” And off they ran. Thirty seconds later they were on their way back, with Adlani leading the pack holding the keys aloft and screaming, “YAY!!! WE DON’T HAVE TO GET OUR BEATING TODAY!!!”
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Oh well…I guess it’s probably good for my coworkers to think I’m on the edge of losing it too.
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Just A Little Crazy

There were a bunch of mothers on Oprah a couple of weeks ago talking about how they cope with the challenges of motherhood. One woman’s suggestion was eye-opening. She talked about how she makes her kids think that she’s just a little crazy…that she’s on the edge and this just might be the incident that pushes her over.

I’m pretty sure my mother knew about this little trick because we lived in fear of her head exploding off of her body and through the roof for most of the 70’s and into the 80’s. But here’s why the advice was so eye-opening. For the last 7 years, I’ve been pretty sure that I was headed for a mental breakdown. I’ve talked to my friend Kelli on several occasions about the chances that I could go into a fugue state and just wander off. I was hoping that with her nursing background she’d reassure me that people only do that in movies (she didn’t).

The thing that makes me absolutely crazy is WHEN I HAVE TO SAY THE SAME THING 50 TIMES! I mean, WHY did I have to tell them to sit down for breakfast 10 times this morning? Really! We do it every morning, they shouldn’t really need instructions at this point. By the 10th time, my eyes were bulging out of my head, saliva was flying from my lips, and glass was shattering all over the kitchen.

But maybe I’m not actually losing it. Maybe I’m just *pretending* to be crazy to scare them. Yes, that’s it! What a comforting thought.
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Almost Dead

Adlani: “What’s that?”
Me: “A mole.”
Adlani: “How do you get one?”
Me: “They just grow sometimes.”
Adlani: “Will I get one when I’m older?”
Me: “Probably.”
Adlani: “But I don’t want to die!”
Me: “You’re not going to die just because you have a mole.”
Adlani: “How old are you anyway?”
Me: “41.”
Adlani: “41 is almost dead.”
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It’s That Time Again…

Just when I’m getting back on track with a sensible diet, another holiday arrives to push me off the path. Why do all holidays involve food that adds inches to your hips, rots your teeth, and calls your name from 3 rooms away? “Lori…I’m on top of the refrigerator in Adlani’s Easter basket…one little bite can’t possibly hurt you and I won’t tell Maura that you didn’t write it down in your food journal.”
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I’m hoping the Easter Bunny brings only Peeps this year, because if I use all of my Supermommy powers I can resist them. Those marshmallow eggs too. But definitely not the chocolate-covered peanut butter ones.

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Good luck to everyone who is trying not to eat Easter candy!
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