So, I’m in Vermont, alone with 3 kids, 2 kittens, and the dog (who is currently staying at Sherry’s house). It’s 5 degrees outside and the highest temp I saw today was 7.  I spent the last hour and a half begging the kids to go to sleep because I just couldn’t take one more minute of their bickering, whining, and singing. They finally passed out so I could eat my room-service burger in peace.

You may be asking yourself, “Why is she in Vermont alone?” I obviously wouldn’t CHOOSE to go on a road trip without another adult (unless I went YaYa and drove off by myself).  During the trip up, every bathroom break for one kid involved waking and dressing the others and hauling them into the gas station because I couldn’t leave them in the car alone. After I schlepped the kittens, kids, and bags into the hotel last night and the kids were half-dressed in their pjs, I realized that we left a critical bag in the car, so everyone had to get dressed, put all of their outerwear back on, and head back out to the car in the -15 windchill. Shopping for a few belated but necessary Christmas gifts yesterday included dragging Norah and Adlani around the mall, with Norah (dressed in an orange tutu) throwing herself on the floor in each store and screaming that she wanted a drink. I have been craving Starbucks for 3 days but the idea of getting everyone inside and then back out without spilling hot coffee on them while trying to avoid crazed after-Christmas shoppers in the parking lot is just too much to consider. And…I have to go in the pool. Ugh.

So yeah, being on duty long-term without a backup sucks.

It all started a few weeks before Christmas when I mentioned to Ben that Adlani had once again asked for a kitten for Christmas. Ben agreed in a moment of weakness that I could procure a kitten for Adlani, which turned into two kittens since the shelter said they needed each other for socialization. So I hunted down two kittens, went through the adoption process, and stocked up on kitten supplies. I had no idea that giving Adlani this gift would result in my solo trip to Vermont.

The weeks leading up to Christmas were totally insane for me, since the flu pushed everything out by two weeks. The only way I could cope was to focus on what absolutely had to be done on any given day. The Pathways brunch, getting everything organized for the final delivery, creating our annual photo books, getting packages in the mail, finishing the Christmas shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking…it was one day at a time and extremely tiring and stressful. There were lots of things that didn’t get done but I had to let them go. I’ll try for perfection next year.

On Christmas Eve I spent the day cooking, and Ben spent the morning food shopping and the afternoon shopping for my gifts. Why did he wait until the very last second to shop for my gifts?  I can tell you that it was not because he had the flu. I took Aliya to church to see Hannah and Chloe in the Christmas pageant, and then we went to Brady and Monica’s for dinner. When we came home everyone headed for bed and I still had 4-5 hours of work ahead of me.

When Ben came to me and said, “What can I do to help?” my heart was filled with joy. Instead of staying up until 2 a.m., I pictured myself heading for bed at the perfectly reasonable hour of midnight. Then Ben completed his sentence with, “…so I can get a ***,” (starts with Q and rhymes with the word for a mark on one’s neck left by a close personal friend).

Even after all these years (I should expect this by now), my jaw dropped and my eyes got teary.  I couldn’t believe that the only way he would help was in return for services.  In retrospect, I could have easily taken 2 minutes out of my life for a little help with stuffing the stockings and getting the packages under the tree, but at that point it was all about the principle.  So there I was, everyone in bed, leaving me to make the magic happen.  Could I have made things easier for myself by defrosting a Sara Lee instead of making a coffee cake, and buying three of those big pre-filled mesh stockings at Target?  I guess I could have, but I am who I am.

If there’s one thing Ben’s good at, it’s holding a grudge.  On Christmas day he showed up for the gift marathon, but took to his bed for the rest of the day, leaving his poor mother to hang out with a bunch of non-Arabic-speaking in-laws.  I spent most of the day in the kitchen, where thankfully my brother Josh was willing to be on mashed potato and gravy duty, and my niece Majda helped with the dishes.  Ben was tired from all of the last-minute holiday shopping from the day before, but did load the dishwasher when I passed out from exhaustion at about 7.

The day after Christmas was more relaxed; I spent the morning chilled out in the midst of the mess with my brother and SIL.  Early in the afternoon we went over to Brady and Monica’s for a late lunch.  Ben had apparently had enough family togetherness so he stayed home.

The next morning we were due to leave for Vermont.  I spent the morning packing and preparing for the trip while Ben ranted that I had plenty of time to take care of the pets, but no time for him.  WTF?!  I didn’t have time for him (or for cutting my toenails, balancing the checkbook, or cleaning the refrigerator), because it took me twice as long to do everything by myself.  Around mid-morning he decided that he *didn’t feel like going to Vermont* (and that we still had to take all of the pets with us because he wasn’t going to take care of them).

So here I am.  And you know what I’ve learned?  Single motherhood is not easy.  And a nanny with a driver’s license who’d be willing to do some light housework is looking mighty good right now.
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Well, as of Christmas Eve there’s one more person in the world who thinks I’ve lost it, and the funny thing is, I don’t even care.  Maybe I HAVE lost it.

About a month ago, I received a bill for a credit card that I never use.  I wasn’t about to pay the $79 annual fee for the privelege of buying stuff at 20+ percent interest, so I called immediately to cancel the card.  The woman that I spoke to transferred me to another department, where I was on hold for over an hour.  I kept that line open and called the original number on my cell phone to ask how long I should expect to hold or whether there was any other way to make this cancellation happen.  I was told to hold or call back.

Over the last month I’ve called back at least 5 times, and have been placed on hold for so long that eventually there was something pressing that required my attention and I had to hang up.  Then it went into the after-Christmas pile along with about a hundred other things.

So on Christmas Eve I received a recorded message stating that my payment was late.  One of the options was to “press 5 to speak to a customer service agent,” so I decided to try again to close my account.  My call was answered by a nice lady named Summer, who asked me about 6 security questions and then was ready to help.

I told her about the problems I’d experienced trying to cancel my account and she told me that she was able to close the account for me – WOOHOO!  She would just have to process a payment first for the $118 that I owed (annual fee + late fee).  I told her 5 different ways that I was not going to pay either one, and that my attempts to close the account were documented so she just needed to close the account and be done with it.  She finally looked at the account activity and understood.  By then I was getting really frustrated and wishing I’d left this in the after-Christmas pile.

Then, the line that sent me over the edge…”I’m sorry Ms. G, but we’re performing a system update right now and I’m unable to close your account.  You’ll have to call back.”

That’s when a couple of tears leaked out and I started the silent cry of frustration.  It would have ended there if she didn’t say, “Before we complete this call, I just need to update some records.  Can I please have your email address?”

Me:  sniff, sniff
Summer:  “I understand how you feel, so if you’ll just give me your email address…”
Me:  “This is just so frustrating!”  sniff, sniff, sniff  “I mean, you’re going to make me call back AGAIN?  And now you want my email address?”  sniff, sniff, boo-hoo
Summer:  “Well, it’s just for security purposes…”
Me (having completely dissolved into the ugly-cry at this point):  boo-hoo, sniff, sniff  “WHY DO YOU NEED IT FOR SECURITY PURPOSES??”  sob, sniff  “YOU ALREADY ASKED ME SIX QUESTIONS FOR SECURITY PURPOSES!  WHY DO YOU NEED MY EMAIL ADDRESS?!  I’M JUST TRYING TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNT!”  sniff, sniff, sob, boo-hoo  “WHY WOULD YOU EVER EMAIL ME IF I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT?!  I KNOW YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO DO YOUR JOB BUT I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND I’M NOT GOING TO CALL BACK FIVE MORE TIMES AND HOLD FOR AN HOUR EACH TIME!”  waaaaahhhhh  “AND I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU MY EMAIL ADDRESS!  I JUST WANT TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNT!”  sniff, sob, boo-hoo
Summer:  “OK, I’ll close the account for you.  I apologize for the trouble.”
Me:  sniff, sniff, waaaaaahhhh  “Thanks.  Merry Christmas.” sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff

I know the credit card companies have tactics to avoid having you close an account, but doesn’t it usually involve better interest rates and special balance transfer deals?  Is this their new tactic?  I wonder if the account has been closed, and how long it will take before the recording of the call goes viral.  At least when it does, you’ll be able to say, “Hey!  That’s Lori!  I used to know her before she went to the asylum.  So tragic.”
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If you’re wondering when Santa’s due to arrive at your home, you can follow his progress on this website: www.noradsanta.org.

Hopefully there are no missiles or air attacks to distract NORAD from reporting on Santa’s progress.

I hope Santa brings you everything you’re hoping for.

A CAT?

Adlani has had a cat on every Christmas, birthday, and Easter list for the last year and a half.  We had two adult cats who weren’t interested in the kids or the dog so they became “cellar dwellers” and died within the last couple of years.  We also had a visiting adult cat who would swat at anyone who came near.  Adlani tried so hard to make friends with all of them, and after accepting defeat he just continued to beg until I gave in.

Since the shelters don’t let you adopt just one kitten (they apparently need another cat around for social development), we now have two new kitties.  We’re still in negotiations on the names, because the current favorites are Lisa and Crazy Eyeball.  They’re very cool and laid-back kitties, and they let the kids carry them all over the place.  The only problem so far is that Adlani wakes up at 5 a.m. to play with them!